Miscalculations
by IKomma
Summary: Leonardo is injured severely as a result of Donatello's poor planning. The aftermath of his recklessness will change him and lead him to make more and more questionable decisions in the future. (Warning: Violent Content)
1. Chapter 1

**The Unpredictable**

It amazed him how easily life could take unexpected turns, regardless of any calculations you've made, the universe always seems to be keen on testing your limits by ruining any plans you've been making and clinging to for so long.

In the rare instances when his brother, Raph, decided to confide in him his most hidden thoughts, usually late at night, Donatello would listen carefully, relishing the opportunity of getting to see a side of his brother he had yet to fully discover. It was nice to know his was not just the masculine brute he always playfully accused him of being. Out of all the things Raph had told him, however, one particular phrase had him shivering everytime he thought about it, especially after learning their older brother, had told Raph that. The words were all simple enough, but managed to convey exactly what Donatello had been feeling his whole life. Though Leo, never one to speak about the unfairness of it all, never blamed such an abstract concept as "the universe" for their bad luck, no. He only told Raph "there are too types of unwanted events: the ones you know are coming, but expect them to always happen much later, and the ones you had no idea were even a possibility". And he hated to admit it, but even his own brilliant mind could never have predicted, guessed, calculated what pain his family would have to suffer. How it turned out that, after all, he could feel lonelier, so much more, than before. All it takes is a wrong decision, one miscalculated move, one poorly executed attack.

And everything turns black.

The breeze blowing against their bodies made them shiver. It had not been a particularly cold day, considering last week's temperatures, and yet spring was far from setting in, no matter how excited Mikey was upon discovering that days were getting longer. Since this was the first year they were allowed to surface, this fact about spring escaped Michelangelo. Every time they went up, he would point out that it's technically not that late, so they should stay out just a while longer, even though he knew that by the end of patrol he'd be exhausted. They all seemed annoyed by how repetitive this behavior was, but deep down they all enjoyed their brother's excitement about such a simple thing as the alteration between seasons.

But now was not the time for such thoughts, they had a job to do.

Donatello had figured out the Kraang were onto something big, every night for the past week they'd spot Kraangdroids scattered in the city. After some hacking into one of their communication devices they'd got from a Kraangbot Raph had beat up, he discovered that a new portal to Dimension X was being put together, which could only mean more interdimentional trouble for the whole city of New York.

After thoroughly studying some blueprints of the machine he was able to get a basic idea of how it was to be operated and, eventually, how it could be destroyed. Because this kind of Kraang technology was not only extremely dangerous, but also usually protected by some kind of invisible shield, an impenetrable force field.

The four brothers had spent hours trying to lay down a plan of attack. The building where the machine would be situated was guarded by heavily armored Kaangdroids. They had checked every possible entrance and hiding place and were now ready for battle.

The plan was simple enough. First, Donatello would break into their security cameras and freeze the image, so that when they passed in front of them, they wouldn't be seen. Then, Mikey was to distract the guards at the front door, while the other three snuck in. Don would show them the right way, while Leo and Raph cleared the way of any unwanted presences. after that, Mikey would meet with them at the top floor and keep an eye out for any more Kraang coming their way.

Every move had been calculated.

"Everyone ready?" asked Leo. They all nodded in agreement, a look of determination clearly written on all of their faces. "Let's do it then!"

With these words, the plan was set to action. Mikey turned and ran to circle the building while the others took their places. after a minute or so the sound of his voice could be heard, teasing the Kraang and luring them into chasing him down the alley, to the back of the building. When they were gone, Leo, followed by Donnie and Raph, broke into the main entrance. Bracing themselves for battle, they burst through the door, smashing droids' heads before they could call for backup. With Donatello leading the way, the two brothers followed.

Everything was going according to plan. Not a single mishappening.

They headed to the elevator where Leo pushed the button to the top floor. They used the forty five seconds that ensued to regroup and go through the details of the plan again.

When the doors opened they jumped out throwing themselves into combat and calling Mikey for backup. They heard him come in smashing the window on the ceiling and yelling his catchphrase, right before landing on the back of to identical looking kraangdroids.

After ten minutes of battle it was clear that the turtles had won. Mikey didn't even need to look out for more Kraag coming to get them, it was clear as day they didn't even have the time to prepare to fight, resulting in their easy defeat.

"If I can just..." a sound was produced by the gigantic portal in the center of the room that indicated the force field was off.

"Good job, Donnie. Raph, are you ready?"

"Already on it!"

With that, Raphael place the tip of his sai in a small hole Don had indicated and pushed. A siren went out and the four of them were ready to leave.

"You go ahead, guys. I have to check something. Won't take long" Donatello announced

"Now? Are you crazy? Let's go!"

"It has to do with the security

system, Leo. The siren had to go out first."

"Are you two gonna negotiate about this for long? Let's get out, Mikey!"

"You too, Leo. Be right there" Donnie said, noting the codes appearing on the screen of his T-phone.

Leo turned to leave, when he heard a struggled voice(?) coming from his brother. He looked around and saw Kraangbot was holding him, wrist bound behind his shell.

"I told you we should go!" Leo shouted as he took out his katana from the seth(?) on his back. The Kraang released his brother instantly and attacked Leo.

The countdown had begun. The whole floor was going to explode.

"Ten seconds. Nine seconds..." the robot-like female voice said.

"Donnie, get out!" Leo said, stabbing the Kraang in the center of the bot.

"... Seven seconds..."

They ran to the emergency exit from which they would jump to the nearest building. Donatello jumped first, finding Raph and Mikey waiting for them. "What took you, jerks, so long?" After a worried glance behind Donnie he asked "Where's Leo?!"

"What do you mean whe-"

"Guys, look!" Mikey shouted, pointing towards the emergency exit. Leo was fighting two Kraangdroids, while time was running out for him.

"... Four seconds..."

His brothers yelled for him to hurry up.

"... Three seconds..."

He took out the first bot.

"... Two seconds..."

Threw the other one off the building.

"... One second."

He jumped.

Too late.

The force of the explosion threw him on the brick wall of the opposite building, from which he fell before he could grasp anything to stay where we was. He landed in an allay, after tumbling down the stairs of the emergency exit of the building. His blood could be seen everywhere.

Some plan they had.

 **A/N So, what do you think? This is the first fic I've uploaded here. I have a plan on how to continue with this story, but I need to see if you have any comments. Please review and help me become better!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Spiraling Downwards**

The three brothers standing on the rooftop watched helplessly as their elder sibling was blown out of TCRI and violently thrown against the opposite building and then, after crashing down the emergency exits, landing on the pile of garbage just down the street. All of them started climbing down to get to him, their voices calling his name, as well as a string of curse words coming from Raphael, were a sound more deafening than that of the previous explosion.

They were all worried, yes. Terrified. Petrified. They of course knew their brother had sustained injuries, but one of them was starting to process a fact that was the biggest giveaway of Leonardo's state: after he hit that building, he couldn't make out any sound coming from his mouth. Donnie could hear all the bones cracking, he almost felt his own skin bruising in watching his leader fall, but there were no agonizing sounds to muffle with the rest of the noise. He knew then that something was terribly wrong. There was no guarantee Leo would ever fully recover.

If he was still alive.

They got to him and crowded his body, in spite of Donatello's protests to "give him some space". "This is all _your_ fault!" Raph screaned over and over. There was little Mikey could do to restrain him, as the youngest son was already in a losing war with his own hurt feelings and the tears that would just not cut him some slack and stop running. "This is no time to be a baby. My brother needs me!" he though, and his cheeks became even wetter.

Donnie quickly examined Leonardo's broken body under the sound of his brothers' yelling and crying. He was unconscious, but was still hanging on. His breathing was shallow and there was blood coming out of his mouth. Donatello tried to concentrate. He carefully turned his brother's head on one side, so that he wouldn't choke on all that blood. There was no safe way to take him home in this condition, he needed to attend to some of the injuries right then and there before even considering carrying his body anywhere.

"Is there enough time?"

As if answering his question, Leo's pulse rapidly slowed down, at first Don thought it stopped completely and froze. After recovering from the shock he ordered Raphael to help pick him up and take him home. Between his sobs Mikey managed to ask what everyone was thinking: "Is this safe?". Raph stopped in his tracks and stared hard into Donnies eyes. " _Well?!_ ", Raph enquired, his annoyance and agravation at his brother far from going unnoticed. "No". The answer shocked all three of them, even the one who had spoken it could not comprehend where he found the strenght to utter the unspeakably unsettling truth. "So what do we do now?!", Raph barked. "We take him home, there is nothing else we can do", Donnie said while cautiously picking up his unconcious brother's upper body.

Raph followed, picking up his legs, while Mikey made way for them, removing any obstacle in their way. This was no time to fight. Not with Leonardo's life hanging on the line. Everyone knew that Donatello was the one to blame. If it hadn't been Leo, it would definitely have been him. He was careless. Something his older brother could not afford to be. He was their protector, he was the one to show the way, to attend to them, to be there when they needed him.

He was more than just a leader. He was a brother.

Donatelly promise his commatose brother he would fix it. Everything. He would never be so selfish again, as to not care for their safety. He'd never be so foolish; he would always lay down better plans, ones guaranteed to work, while trying to never put any of the others in more danger than was necessary. If only Leo would wake up again. Talk to him. Confront him, yell at him, put the blame on him, make him feel guilty, give him all that he deserved. "Selfish" he thought bitterly. Even more so, after considering the kind nature of his older brother, more likely to aske him whether he was hurt and say it's okay, than ever try to cause him more distress. If he did, it would solely be to get it through to him that survival is what matters most, that the only way a mission can be successful is if all of them return home safely.

So much for that.

The distance between them and the lair seemed to stretch even more with every step they took. even as they finally approached the entrance to their home, it felt like they could never get close enough, time was running out and so was their luck. Like they ever had any.

They entered the lair and Donatello ordered Raph to help him set Leonardo on the cot in his lab, while Michelangelo ran into his father's room and tell him what was going on.

Splinter hurried out into the living room and saw the blood trail leading towards his son's lab, heard the sudden beeping of the heart rate monitor, every sound it made feeling like music to his ears. It meant his son was still alive.

Afraid though he was, he pushed back his own petty feelings of discomfort and walked into the lab, where he witnessed the frantic movements of Donnie working on his eldest's wounds and cuts, but he knew from the moment he laid his eyes on him that most of his boy's bones had been crushed. " _My son_ ". A sob escaped his lips, but he managed to pull himself together and be of as much use as possible.

He tried his hardest to ignore Leonardo's batter face. How his arm was bent in a weird angle. The way both his legs were compleetely bruised and looked infected from the various cuts.

He tried his best to look as little to his favourite as possible.

 **A/N Sorry it took me so long to update, I was busy with exams at school. If you liked my story or want to give me suggestions on how to improve my writing, please leave a comment :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N First, I want to thank my readers for their support and all the comments, it's what keeps me going!  
Second, I need to stress out that this story is rated M for a very good reason. Any of you who do not think they can handle what's in store for our beloved characters are free to stop reading. I'm sorry, but this is my story and it's going to be dark. **

**If you are okay with this, feel free to continue reading and keep those reviews coming!**

* * *

 **Balancing Act**

With every passing minute it felt like Leonardo's chances of recovery were diminishing.

Donatello attended to all his superficial wounds, but it was more than obvious that things needed to be amended far under his skin. He cast a glance on his brother's body laying unconscious, turned around and faced his father who looked devastated but eager to assist him. Tried to block the sound of his other two brothers' fighting coming from the general area of the living room. This was a disaster.

He shook his head in an attempt to snap himself out of the trance. He managed to ask his father to bring him alcohol, bandages and towels, while he prepared himself for what was to happen next. He would have to operate on Leo.

Tears started to flood his eyes and every attempt to keep them from falling was rendered useless. Futile. "Is that the meaning of this surgery as well?" he wondered. Even though he would never admit it out loud, he already knew that Leo was not likely to survive this one. Yes, he was a fighter, determined and stubborn. But when it comes down to it, no one is strong enough to defeat Death, even with the assistance of a scientist.

The truth was that even if he hadn't been in such terrible condition as a result of the fall, even if no infection had already taken place, the sewers didn't exactly comply with any sanitary rules that are applied in hospitals. It crossed his mind that if anything, this operation might just kill him faster!

His father entered the room in a hurry, followed by a silent Michelangelo. "Is there anything I can do?" he almost whispered. "What can anyone do" he meant to reply, but choked back the bitter words and sook his head once instead. "It's better for you not to be too close. For sanitary reasons" he explained. "And because I can't deal with the possibility of a breakdown" he thought. "Be ready, though, in case I need you to fetch something". Mikey nodded and smiled saddly. "How can he still do that?" Donnie thought. "I know you can save him". Great. More pressure. More guilt.

Michelangelo turned to leave when Raph entered the room. He spoke silently, but his fury could not be subsided. "You know you have to fix him. Or else you're the one responsible for his death, and I'll be responsible for your own". Donatello's eyes formed round circles. "Did he really just say that?!". Weakly, but authoritively, Splinter said "enough" and ordered his sons out of the room. Raph stormed out, not even turning back his head as he progressed out of the lab. His footsteps echoed louldy, the sound they made allmost synchronised with that of the beeping coming from the heart rate monitor near Leonardo.

Donatello tried not to think about him; not to think about anything else besides how to be what his family needed him to be: a doctor, and a damn great one. But this was no use. Every time he looked at his brother laying there in front of him, all vulnerable and fragile and almost dead, he couldn't help but revisit the memories of what happened earlier that night. "It really has only been a few hours since...". A lump formed at the back of his thoat. He swallowed hard. He needed to do something, as fast as possible, anything but just stand there like the fool he was. " _You know you have to fix him_ ", Rasph's words came to him. " _I know you can save him_ ". _Fuck!_

There is a reason why surgeons are not supposed to operate on their loved ones.

He looked down at his hands, both painted in crimson. His own brother's blood. The terrible smell of it filled the air in the room and breathing in it felt worse than drowning. He noticed the way Splinter looked at him and knew he had to act fast, begin already, stop hiding behind his finger and take responsibility for his actions. But the reality of it was that he was at a loss.

"I don't know how to fix this"

His father looked shocked, but pulled himself together and ordered his son to control his emotions. "There is no time to waste!". But there was so much at stake. One wrong move and the unspeakable could not be undone. And trying to control his thoughts and his feelings and keep his hands from shaking was becoming a sick sort of balancing act.

He picked up a knife and started cutting through the skin.

* * *

Outside the lab Mikey and Raph waited anxiously for what was to come. A thought crossed Mikey's mind, that he'd been handling this way more maturely than his older brother. He felt mad at himself for thinking this at such a hart time, but in his head he saw the vision of Leonardo nodding in approval and smiling. So alive and so perfect. None of them would ever openly admit it, but he trully was their role model. Who they longed to be more like. And it was obvious that Leo looked up on Master Splinter the most, but as time passed, it was becoming harder and harder not to think that Splinter himself admired Leonardo. His skills, his drive and determination, his loyalty to the clan and its causes. His family. He'd take a bullet for any one of them.

Well, he did.

Raphael sensed that the look on Michelangelo's face was one of accusation. "Like you don't know it was Brainiac's fault", he said mockingly. His brother opened his mouth to say something, but bit his tongue. Because that was the truth. It _was_ Brainiac's fault. Or was it?

They had all gone through the plan togrther. Sure, they didn't know Don intended on taking a closer look on the Kraang technology, but it really seemed okay, it would only take a second and the Kraang had been defeated. Or so they thought. But the point was, if none of them could have guessed they would attack at the last minute, why should Donnie? He was the smart one, yes. But even he couldn't predict such a thing.

Maybe, just maybe, this was the product of a great miscalculation they should have been aware of much sooner. But if that wasn't the case, it could just be that there's good luck, and then there was bad luck. And Michelangelo really wanted to blame someone or something else, annything but himself and his brothers for the situation they found themselves trapped in.

Too bad Leo always said "luck can't control me any more than I can control it".

Too bad.


	4. Chapter 4

**All To No Avail**

It had been nearly three hours since the operation had begun.

From outside the lab, Raphael and Michelangelo could hear the beeping of machines, sometimes slow and sometimes worryingly fast. They tried their best to not think of everything that could go terribly wrong, like a black out, which could cause the machines that kept Leo alive to shut down, or the sudden attack of an invador, or... something quite more plausible. Donnie losing his cool.

When this thought first crossed Raph's mind, it made him want to talk some sense into his brother, make it clear he was not _allowed_ to lose control. But as the minutes went by and he started contemplating on the events that had taken place only moments ago, he realised that, should that happen, he himself would have played a major role in his brother's breakdown. Wasn't Raphael the one who threatened Donnie before the surgery started? Wasn't he the one upsetting the surgeon more than necessary.

If anything went wrong, he would never forgive himself either.

Mikey didn't have as much time to ponder, as he was frequently asked by Donatello to bring him things like towels or boiling water, while he also insisted that he should eat something, since this would most likely take all night.

Donatello had asked Splinter to go rest and tell Raphael to take his place, if only for a few minutes. His father declined the offer, not only because he couldn't trust two teenagers alone to handle such a delicate situation, but also because he didn't want to have to worry whether his two boys would start arguing over their fallen brother's body.

* * *

After operating on Leo for what seemed to have been days, Donatello decided there was nothing more that could be done. Leonardo was still in a horrible condition, but at least better than what it was before. Donnie doubted he would wake up any time soon. but maybe that was for the best, as he could not imagine how excruciating the pain would be. He struggled to maintain a positive outlook, but it was clear as day that this surgery brought his brother no closer to surviving.

Now it was all up to Leo.

Splinter, exhausted, sat on a chair on the other end of the room, suddenly feeling dizzy and nauseous from the scent of his oldest son's blood. And looking away from him lying there on the cot did not help the least bit. That thing was everywhere, he could see it all around him. On the floor and on the towels, at the ends of his vision, even when looking at his own too hands.

"You should take some rest" Donatello urged him, seeing how lost he looked. "Tell the others there is nothing more I want of them either" he said and looked away, taking of his gloves and shutting his eyes tight, all of a sudden feeling remorse for what he did to Leo. For failing to be a better ninja, a good subordinate, one that knows how to take orders and not risk evverything for the sake of his own curiosity and foolishness. He let out a resigned sigh.

Splinter stood up and made his way towards the door, stopping only a moment before turning the knob and walking out. Don noticed and turned aroung to face him, sensing he aready knew what his father needed to know. Donatello wanted to reassure him that it was going to be alright, that Leo was strong and would fight it and beat it, but it was no use. So, instead, he lowered his head and dropped his shoulders.

No words were needed, the ugly truth was something known to them both since they first begun their task. From the start they knew it was no good, it was obvious that they could do little to nothing to prevent Leonardo's death. If he was to live, only time would tell.

Had it all really been to no avail? Perhaps. But they had to try! They couldn't just abandon hope and give up on their brother and son.

"Should I tell your brothers to come say their goodbyes?" Splinter inquired in a whisper, his voice catching on the last word, while hot tears started to flood his eyes. "No", Donnie managed to say. "He's stable. Tell them to rest".

Splinter was not sure whether to argue with his son's logic or not, but he felt to helpless to even lift his eyes to meet his son's. He walked out of the room and almost stepped on his two sons waiting just outside. Neither of them dared to ask a question; as long as they still hear the heart monitor beeping, they knew he was still with them.

 _But for how long?_

* * *

Donatello felt at a loss. More useless than ever before. All he could do was stand over his brother, watch over him, all the while knowing he could not ever protect him in the way that was needed. He stayed alone, not wanting to leave Leonardo alone, but not wanting to meet Raphael outside of the relevant safety of his lab. " _I'm a coward. And I've betrayed your trust._ " he mumbled, wanting to consult his older brother for what seemed to be the last time, although it was obvious Leo would be no help no him now.

He had already helped that pathetic excuse for a being enough.

* * *

After Splinter left his sons and headed for his room, they made their way into the lab. First Mikey, looking serious in a way that did not match his personality at all, then Raph, seeming as tired and resigned as his father had when he left the room. " _Despite not having put any effort in keeping Leo alive_ ", he thought bitterly.

They came closer to the cot, if only to make sure their brother was still there, but as Raphael started feeling more and more guilty himself, he looked away from Leonardo's bruised and swollen face.

The three brothers stayed there, allowing the silence to interrupt their never existing conversation, letting it feel their minds with the echoes of their own reflections of what might have been, had things gone differently.

If Donnie hadn't been so stubborn and followed his orders.

If they had all put a little more effort into constructing a better plan, into ensuring their safety.

If they could have known what to do, even after everything went black.

* * *

 **A/N So, what do you think of this chapter? It has been my favorite to write so far and I really hope you enjoyed reading it.**

 **What will happe** **n to Leo?** _ **Only time will tell.**_

 **Please review, you have no idea how great motivators your comments can be for me to continue.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Together, Facing The End**

There was nothing more that could be done.

Not now. The only real way Donatello could help his brother was to make sure his heart rate was steady enough, that he was getting the right amount of oxygen through the breathing tube, that he was sufficiently nourished, that his wounds were properly being taken care of and most importantly, to prevent any new rounds of internal bleeding from manifesting.

And on top of that, he had to push back the thought that the fear of infection was very real at the moment. Like being in an extremely sensitive state, comatose and unstable, was not enough, there was no place sanitary enough to take him. They were stuck in the sewers! Like some kind of pests! So many hospitals in the city, all those specialists that could help, actually trained at handling situations like this and not simply amateurs, trying to play God and breath life into someone who's been handed a death sentence. By his own damn brother.

They were of no importance to the people of the city, of the whole planet. They were just mutants. What was even more upsetting was that no matter how many lives they had just saved, that was no reason enough to have his brother's life spared. " _And it's all my fault_ ".

Donatello felt like a monster.

Still, feeling sorry for his nature and his actions and his uselessness was getting him nowhere. Neither his urge to cry and shout and punch the wall behind him and break everything in his way were what Leonado was in need of.

During the last five hours Donnie counted three times where Leo's breathing stopped. One time he actually thought that was going to be the end. So soon. But when his father heard the fuss coming from the lab and ran inside, Leonardo's breathing miraculously started again. weak and useless without the aid of the breathing tube, but at least he wasn't gone yet.

From that moment on Splinter would come in every few minutes just to check on his son's progress. Even if he knew there really wasn't any. Donatello had advised him not to say anything to his brothers about saying goodbye, not yet, as more people coming in the room was extremely dangerous. "Germs and stuff" he'd told his father, not bothering to explain further.

It was obvious, though, that his brothers had in fact been told to do as Splinter was going to tell them to either way. He wouldn't have been so sure hadn't it been for the fact that his brothers walked into the lab smelling of alcohol. " _Of course, now everyone is sanitised!_ "

First came Michelangelo, looking surprisingly calm and only glaring sideways at Donatello for a moment. Of course he was angry, he figured. But he did a great job concealing, for the most part. He stayed there for no longer than fifteen minutes, always silent and looking partly at the floor and partly at his brother's body in front of him. When he got up from the chair he'd been sitting on, it was with great effort, as though the weight of his own body had become too much for him to lift. He stepped a bit closer to Leo and reached for his hand but hesitated, looking at Donnie. He nodded it was okay, what worse could happen to his brother by simply the touch of a beloved's hand.

And maybe, just maybe, in the way his breathing started when his father came, he would now open his eyes feeling his younger brother holding him.

Then came Raphael, looking worn and giving off a sense of hopelessness, devastation. Maybe he, like Donatello had come to terms with the unlikeliness of his brother's survival.

As he came closer, Donnie tried to take a better look at him, for his brother looked as if he'd aged twenty years overnight. Raphael noticed him. As irritation built up in him, Don noticed the spark in his eyes was not completely gone, but it was faint and he felt sick knowing he had caused this to him, to his family. Even if Leo's imminent death was something they all accepted, the void caused by his absence could not be filled, no matter how hard he was willing to try.

"So you have to be here?" Raph inquired, his glare seemingly penetrating Don. Without saying a word he stood up from the chair he was sitting and moved to the other side of the room. Raph took the hint that his presence was necessary, not liking it but not being able to control it. He didn't sit, he stayed over Leo, watched over him.

From the other side of the room Donatello pretended to be busy with something, but actually took notice of his brother. When Raph knelt to the floor, his hands grasping the side of the cot Leo lay on, he was startled. He watched the strongest of them all in his weakest state, and that was terrifying. At that moment of brutal truth, he realised that nothing they ever had, strength and determination, or ever were, smart and inventive, was going to help them be brave with this. The reality was they couldn't. And when it came down to it, they really had nothing. Not. One. Thing.

...Well, maybe just one.

Donatello moved closer and placed his hands on his brother's shoulders. In his moment of weakness, Raph was barely able to shrug him off. Donnie too sat down, next to him, put his arms around his brother's neck and whispered in a hoarse voice the only thing that came to his mind.

"I'm sorry"

The only thing there was to hold onto right now was family.

And just like Raphael watched over Leonardo's unconscious body, Donatello would look after the brother that was still there with him.

Raph collapsed on Donatello, crying and shouting and swearing, but holding on to him. Telling him it was his fault, he'd better be sorry, this was supposed to be him on that bed. But still not letting go of him.

Splinter and Mikey stood at the door both crying. Splinter's silent tears fell on top of his son's head as he hugged him.

It didn't matter whether Leo died now or three hours ago or five months from now. It felt as if it had already happened.

This was the end.

* * *

 **A/N I can't believe how much I love this chapter. I started writing it without being sure of what I wanted to write, but feeling the need to do it anyway. I hadn't expected the scene with Raph and Donnie to take place, but it felt right. The original title was going to be "The End" or "Brutal Truth" (maybe I'll use that one later...), but after re-reading the story I knew it should be something about family. So, here you go.**

 **I wanted to update sooner but I have trouble keeping up because of studying. So don't worry that I've abandoned the fic, I simply don't have as much time to work on it.**

 **Thank you for reading, hope it made you feel the feels. Please review and tell me what you thought of it, especially with this chapter I want to know you opinion.**

 **See you next time!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N Just a warning that the darker things I told you I would write about start from this chapter. If you don't think you can handle it, please, stop reading. If you're used to that kind of things you will probably think this chapter is not** _ **that**_ **violent or whatever you want to call it, but if your innocence has not yet been forever taken away by some other fanfic of this kind, proceed with caution.**

 **Also, bear in mind that I have not the slightest clue about how medicine works in real life. I am trying to make the situation feel a tad more realistic by reading articles that have to do with comatose patients and medical stuff in general (I am really bad at this), but I am no expert on the subject, so just try to enjoy the story without judging my knowledge on the subject. Thank you.**

* * *

 **Dream Realm**

The long hours turned into dreadful days and sleepless nights.

Leonardo's condition had neither worsened nor got any better. Everyone in the lair started developing a somewhat optimistic view about what was to happen. Was it a good sign that he had not woken up? No. Definitely not. But at least he was still holding on.

What troubled Donatello the most was a thought he could just not bring himself to share with the rest of his family; not right now. In the last few days Raphael's attitude towards him had been reduced to only slightly aggresive, which Donatello knew was understandable, and Splinter seemed to have gotten some control over his emotions. Mikey... Well, Mikey did not express any feeling at all, but Donnie figured it was just his way of coping. Healthy or not, he decided he was not one to critisize his brother's approach.

And why should he? It was true that everyone acted like maybe it wasn't completely his fault. His father even told him it was no use clinging onto what belonged to the past, where there lay a future ahead of them. But in Donatello's mind, they were all hypocrites. With his best interest at heart, they still tried to deceive both him and themselves.

Because the truth was Donatello was torn.

He had caused all of this, no doubt about that. But he had not intended to hurt his brother. He had failed to be the surgeon Leo had needed after the accident. But it was true that he had tried his best, he knew he had. He was the reason his own family had felt hopeless for so long, nevertheless he was the one to slowly try and make amends; build the bridges that he had recklessly burnt.

So he kept re-evaluating everything. Accidents were bound to happen. Due to factors he could not control and due to miscaclulations he could not forsee. So one of the questions he needed an answer to was: _Was he really the monster he believed he'd become that night?_ Even more importantly, _would he ever have the opportunity to redeem himself?_

But the question that truly sparked all the uncontrollable shaking whenever he walked into the lab, seeing his brother laying on the cot unconsious for over seven weeks, was one of greater importance than all the rest.

Since Leonardo had avoided death so far, it was probably safe enough to assume he was in no more danger than he was after the explosion. Not safe yet, not gone either. So, also assuming Leo was bound to wake up any moment, would he have _wanted_ to wake up?

The truth was, being unconscious for more than three or four weeks was an almost definite sign of severe damage. Ranging from inability to move his limbs to losing any touch with reality, forever, the possible outcomes seemed all the more frightening every time he thought them over. There was little to no chance he would be the same person he had been.

If Leo had the chance, would he have chosen death over a life in which he could not be a ninja nor have his higher cognitive abilities?

The idea had at first seemed crazy. The though of Leo asking him to put him to death not only seemed twisted, but also had a nauseating effect on him.

One night, though, a dream he had made him change his outlook on the situation, he still couln't bear to think it through, but he decided he would not exclude any possibility.

When he closed his eyes, he saw himself in the middle of a dark room. He started to wander and kept asking if anyone could hear him. As he walked on, he found a door and opened it. Behind it was a narrow but long corridor, the walls were made of glass and light came in from both sides. He took a step forward, feeling more confident now than he had felt before, when he was in the dark.

As he moved forward, he started to pick up faint sounds, which later became voices. His brothers' voices. He could tell they were talking, he thought they might have been happy, but the words made no sense. He could not distinguish any words at all.

He started banging on the glass walls, but they wouldn't even crack. He searched around him for something he could use to break the glass, he felt desperate. As he ran down the never ending corridor, he saw a large stone. If he could lift it and throw it, he was sure to break the barrier between his brothers and him.

Thankful, he closed his eyes while laughing and thanking whoever had placed the stone there. But for some reason, he could not grab it. He opened his eyes and looked down his arms, where his hands should have been. They were missing.

Terrified, he ran all the way back to the dark room, haunted by the vision of his chopped arms and the blood dripping down his feet. Haunted by the screams that came in from every direction. Still, he did not make out any words, but the voice could have only been his older brother's.

As soon as he entered the dark room and shut the door behind him, the nightmare was over. He jumped from his bed, covered in sweat and tears, hugged himself before dropping to his knees and starting to sob uncontrollably.

It was that day that he'd decided to examine and re-examin Leo's body and brain damage. From the looks of it, it did not seem that far fetched that his dream had in fact been another version of reality, one that he was not to live, but witness. He knew with a little more certainty now that if his body didn't function; if his brain did not work for him... he would not _want_ this kind of life.

He thought of the rest of his family. They already had low expectations. Death might be the best solution. Because if they saw him like that... Could they really take to even be with him anymore? The more you love someone, the more you try to avoid seeing them broken. The more you admire someone, the more painful it is to watch them fall.

But what still kept him from doing what he had in mind, but would never dare to utter, was that there was a shimmer of hope, just a slight chance, one in a million, that his brother would make a full recovery.

 _Could he afford to waste more time, though? How long would it be before Leo woke up?_

* * *

 **A/N Nr2 Was this as intense as I wanted it to be?**

 **Stay tuned, I have a lot more in store for you, dear readers. (evil laugh)**


	7. VERY IMPORTANT AN

First of all, thank you all for reading my story and posting your reviews.

What this A/N is about is to explain some things about my views on euthanasia.

Because it is possible some of you don't know what the word means, here is the _Wikipedia_ term:

"Euthanasia _(from Greek: εὐθανασία; "good death": εὖ, eu; "well" or "good" – θάνατος, thanatos; "death") is the practice of intentionally ending a life in order to relieve pain and suffering_."

Now I want to make it clear that I am _AGAINST_ euthanasia without the _CONSENT_ of the person about to have his life ended.

In the story, Donnie is considering to end his brother's life in order to alleviate him from the possible pain, without Leonardo's consent. What needs to be understood is that DONNIE IS NOT IN HIS RIGHT MIND. Ever since the accident, he's been off. This is not the Donnie from the series, this is my twisted, darker version of him.

And the fact that I am writing this character does not necessarily mean that I agree with his actions. And that goes for any character. To be honest, that is why I love writing: because I get to write about different subjects from the point of view of various characters. Again, _without always agreeing with their views._

I completely understand why some of you may feel uncomfortable or even offended by what is going on in the story. Believe me, if you feel you don't want to keep reading, _it's okay._

Reading fanfiction should be about enjoying it and not being traumatized for life (but if that's your thing, _sleepingseeker_ 's stories are what you need ;) )

Thank you all for your support and reviews.

 **-IKomma**


	8. Chapter 7

**A/N Before I say anything else, I just want to say that writing this chapter was very difficult, more than any other one. Writing Donnie's thoughts... Exploring his mind right now is scaring me a little and I'm afraid because all his thoughts actually stem from my imagination. I guess I have a darker side I wasn't aware of?**

 **Anyway, I just want to thank you all again for supporting me and my story. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter when you're all done reading it.**

 **One last thing: Prepare Yourselves.**

* * *

 **Termination**

Another two weeks had gone by, agonizing for both the fear of Leo not waking up and the fear that he eventually would.

Donatello had never thought it was possible to go without getting any sleep for days and then only doing so for a few minutes before a nightmare deprived him from what little peace of mind sleep could offer him. But in these last couple of weeks, he had repeatedly proved himself wrong.

Not that his father or brothers were in much better shape than he was. But the thing was, they were not the ones who knew how to operate the machines keeping Leo alive. He was. And not getting any rest could be dangerous in situations like this.

Still, he could not bring himself to close his eyes or leave Leonardo's side, which he thought was ironic since he was the one who had been considering ending his life.

Sitting there on his chair by Leonardo's side, he remembered of how one day he looked in the mirror and could no longer recognize himself. And it wasn't so much due to the fact that the fatigue and the exhaustion had mercilessly distorted his features, but mostly because his eyes were like a madman's, as he himself had told his reflection on the bathroom mirror.

He wasn't stupid. He knew something was wrong with him. That he shouldn't be thinking like that. That he normally _wouldn't_ be thinking like that. But every time he attempted to reconsider his decision, the image of Leo being blown out of that building flashed before his eyes, causing his eyes to blur, filling them with tears. And the headaches were a constant company he wished would disappear, along with this fog of confusion.

But it wasn't so bad, he thought, when all these things had been just thoughts. No matter how awful or paranoid he would come off to anyone he confined them to, they were just that, harmless ideas. The real trouble began when these thoughts started controlling his actions, manipulating his every move. He had surrendered to what he knew he didn't want to do, or have to do, but was being ordered to do by his own mind, or his heart, or some other twisted part of his insides.

Day after day, he was reducing the amount of oxygen Leo was getting through his tube. Even though at times he wished it was all already over and done with, he wanted to give his brother a chance.

No one had found out what his plan was, when he told them "Leo is not doing very well today" no one questioned him; his family could have never guessed what a monster he had become, a monster he was aware he had become, but made no effort to get rid of. When he wasn't feeling guilty for what he had caused and how he was consciously worsening things by the minute, he found himself feeling... pleased. He had outsmarted them all! He knew what Leo needed, peace. And since he could never again have it, he would give this precious little gift to his brother, to keep forever.

The first few days had been harder, he kept hesitating before giving in and doing what his instinct was telling him. Even the thought of Leo taking his place in that nightmare, being confused and helpless, didn't do much to make him trully believe it was for the best. But one thing he did know: if he ever woke up from that comma, he wouldn't be the same. His brain could be damaged or his legs wouldn't work or his hands would not stop shaking. He did not know _what_ would be wrong with him, but he was almost sure _something_ would be. And that wasn't just the crazy part of him speaking, this was a fact.

On the fifth day of his act of "kindness", Donatello decided it was now or never.

He had considered his options and concluded it would be for the best if he wasn't around when it happened. Not for him, anyway. And his family couldn't blame him of not being there should something happen, as he'd informed them that within a couple of days, Leo would be gone.

His father was the first one to be told and what shocked him most was not the revelation of his favorite son's imminent death. It hurt him to know, but it was not out of the blue. He _knew_ it was coming. What made him shiver was the tone in which Donatello had announced the news to him: cold and distant. Not a hint of hesitation or reluctance to say what needed to be said, it almost seemed like he didn't care. That wasn't true, of course. _It couldn't be_.

And it wasn't, but Donnie's way of loving his brother was going to be the end of Leonardo.

He asked Splinter to be with him when he told the others. He was afraid of what Raph might do to him and his father knew, although his son never admitted his fear out loud.

When he did tell them, Raph was frozen in place. His eyes welled up with tears and he bit his bottom lip, but did no longer hold Donnie responsible for what happened. Or, at least, he tried damn hard not to.

Mikey though... When Donnie had stated the awful fact that his older brother would die, he felt all the anger inside him rise. It was ugly, scary, and aimed towards Donatello.

The first blow was enough to make him land on his back, hitting the back of his head as he landed on the floor. Then Michelangelo jumped on his brother, hitting him hard on the face and attempting to strangle him before Splinter managed to lift him off his other son.

By that time, Donatello had already fainted. Raph lead Mikey to his room, following his father's order. Splinter looked at his son lying on the floor, noticed he was breathing and let out a long held sigh of relief. He examined the back of Donatello's head, where a bruise had appeared, but, luckily, no blood was running down his neck.

* * *

And now, ready for the final act of his masterplan, he was preparing to leave the lair. "Are you sure you must go?... Today?", Splinter had asked him weakly and a little betrayed on Leonardo's behalf. "I have to" had answered Donnie, explaining that he would revisit the TCRI building and try again to find any chemicals in the air, something that may have affected Leo and he could cure.

He had done that before, a couple of days after the accident, when the concentration of these chemicals would be higher, and found nothing he was not already prepared to deal with. But his father let him go anyway, guessing the reason behind this façade and deciding it was his choice to be home when it happened, or somewhere else.

He took a syringe in his one hand and a small, sealed bottle in his other. He just stood with his back turned to Leo for a while, feeling like the little human skull on the bottle was staring at him, silently critisizing him.

Like there was any other way.

* * *

Before leaving, he turned off his phone. He stormed out of the lab as soon as the damage was done and could not be undone, ran through the sewers as fast as he could before his mind chose to let him know he had maybe made the wrong decision. No, that was a fact he did not want to know.

He ran and ran and ran, on the rooftops and through the thick fog covering everything. The real fog that nevertheless looked so much like the one in his head, clouding his judgment.

One second he felt free and relieved, glad even, happy it was over. And then the next he would start crying, grieving and mourning over the loss of his brother. " _Is he dead yet?_ " he would think to himself every few seconds. It really could happen any time.

As he ran and ran, never having felt more alive and exhausted than at this moment, a figure appeared in front of him. A female form he could not tell whether was real or not, but he would not risk running over her.

He stopped and she turned her back on him. Through the fog, he could just make out the colour of her hair, black and dyed blonde, still looking more bizarre to him than cool or threatening or whatever she intented it to look like.

She did not make another move and didn't say a word. Was he dreaming her? He was probably dreaming her.

He took his staff in one hand and poked her on the shoulder. He could almost _feel_ her cringe at that, but still didn't do anything. " _Isn't she afraid I might attack her?_ "

She was real. And it looked like she had stopped him on purpose. But she was alone, no Foot, just her.

 _What did she want from him?_


	9. Chapter 8

**Protecting You**

"Karai"

The kunoichi standing before him did not turn. In a low voice, full of emotion, but steady and demanding, she asked: "What happened to Leonardo?"

" _She wants to know about Leo?_ ", he wondered, " _how did she know anything happened to him at all?_ " Before he could ask, she explained that the night of the explosion she and some of the Foot where watching them, she had wanted to know what they were up to. "There's no one here but me now", she said to reassure him there was no danger in being with her.

Her back was still turned to him and the situation was making him feel uneasy, the fact that she was asking about his brother, the fact that he was probably dead by now, because of him, it all made his head ache and his vision became blurry. He tried to focus on something, so as not to lose conscience and stared at her short hair, dyed blonde at the back, just above her nape. All the while, her words brought back to his memory the agony of that night, the pain, so excruciating at the time he could still feel it in his heart.

"Well?" she demanded, sounding more urging and frustrated than before. Donatello, hoping she would leave his presence the sooner she got an answer, simply said "he's dead".

What happened next startled him. The young woman turned to face him, but her face he found hard to recognize. It was wet with tears silently being cried all this time, her lips were forming a thin line from her struggle not to sob, her eyes... They looked so bright, but also so sad, it made his own heart constrict in seeing her like that, as if his own brother hadn't just been murdered by him, as that wasn't reason enough to want to die.

"I don't understand", he started, "Why are you here? What do you want from me?" Her look was murderous but after what he'd witnessed, that weakness she'd been hiding, he could hardly feel afraid at the moment. She opened her mouth to say something, but decided against it and once again turned her back. Slowly, she started to walk away from him. Then, reaching the ledge of the rooftop, stopped. For one brief moment, Donatello thought of running to catch her, stop her from falling. But a part of him wanted to know what would happen next, was thrilled by what could follow.

But then she jumped, not into the nothingness below, but to the nearest building. And she ran, ran in the way he'd been running only a few moments ago. He closed his eyes and tried to push the image of her away. She reminded him too much of Leo. Not only because she had mentioned him, but also because he wouldn't shut up about her. A bitter smile formed on his lips. "Guess that won't be a problem now", he whispered.

He opened his eyes, just in time to see her fall to her knees. By now she had moved far from where he was, but not enough for him not to make out her sobbing form. He turned away, feeling disgusted at how their own enemy dared feel sorry for his brother; no matter what, he dyed with honor, protecting his family. No one was allowed think of him as someone they needed to cry over, especially the Foot.

He turned to leave, when a single raindrop landed on his cheek. He halted, instantly making a connection between the tears she shed and his brother, now gone, thinking that he looked at him from somewhere with disapproval.

She was, after all, the one he loved.

Without wanting to, but considering it a favor to Leo, he ran over to her, as a soft drizzle started to fall. The smell overwhelmed him, made his head spin, as he knew that from that moment on, he could no longer associate that sweet earthy smell with anything remotely close to nice.

Upon landing on the rooftop she was on, he started covering the short distance between them, with every step feeling that he hated her more. Only when he sat down in front of her did he feel an unexplainable instinct to protect her, from the rain that was falling, from the pain she was feeling. " _It's not her I resent. That monster is me_ ".

He remembered of all the times Leo spoke of her, trying to hide how completely and stupidly in love he was with her. Until that moment, it hadn't even crossed his mind she might have felt the same way. Right now, she was a victim in this tragedy, no less than his own family was.

"I've been trying to find any one of you, to ask about Leo. After the first few weeks..." she stopped to take a breath and Donnie put his hand on her forhead to prevent the rain from going in her eyes. "... after the first few weeks went by with no sign of any of you, I knew something was... I just wanted to find you, ask if I could see him one last time." She hid her face in her hands, as she started to blush, feeling too vulnerable, too exposed. She didn't want to be telling him this, but now there was no going back. She couldn't control the words from flowing any more than she could stop her tears from running or the rain from pouring.

He listened, glad that the rain covered up the fact he himself was crying, regretting not that he'd killed Leonardo, but that he'd done so before he knew she loved him back. He realised, out of all the terrible thoughts and deeds, this one was beyond forgiveness. Why couldn't he have gone out earlier? She would have found him, if only he had gone out the day before.

"I couldn't have known" he said more to himself, like that would ever be enough to make things right inside him. Because he knew, deep down, it wasn't misfortune, but another miscalculated move he'd made.

He shouldn't have killed Leo, not that day. If ever.

"I don't blame you" she responded, after getting some control over herself. He stood up, not looking at her or anywhere in particular. The rain was coming down at an impossible speed, so much it hurt. Though he wasn't sure whether it was actually the rain or the guilt stabbing him that made the water drops feel like tiny whips, wounding his body with every touch.

Not wanting her to feel the same way, he helped her stand up. "We should get out of the rain" he said, taking her trembling hand in hers, leading her elsewhere, somewhere she'd be safe.

* * *

 **A/N I don't know about you, but I am really excited about this chapter. I'd been preparing for a long while before I actually started writing it, as I think of it as crucial to the story. Not only do we see how Donnie's outlook on things has started to change, but also Karai was introduced. Plus, I really like her. You will see a lot more of her in the future, just so you know.**

 **What do you think? Was this chapter worth the wait?**


	10. Chapter 9

**The Hard Way**

Donatello made his way back to the lair, walking slowly, dreadfully, but feeling slightly less devastated than he'd been only a few minutes ago.

* * *

When he lead Karai out of the rain they didn't say much. There wasn't anything to say, really. But he realised that if he wanted to make up for what he'd done to his brother, he would need to at least make sure Karai was okay. He would have to be her protector, in the way Leonardo had been. Even when the brothers encountered the Foot, when she was practically the enemy, Leo had always been the one to fight her. Always there to make sure she didn't get seriously injured.

The thing is, Leonardo could have done nothing to stop her heart from breaking.

* * *

Donnie stopped walking. He looked down in shame. ''If only I had known..." he whispered, wishing his older brother was there at that moment, to advise him, help him make it right, tell him he was forgiven.

What confused him most was that there were times when he thought he'd done everything right, then there were moments he couldn't shake off the belief he'd been in the wrong all along. This confusion he knew was unjustified; he _should_ be regretting what he had done. But monsters don't feel remorse.

Then why did he have the need to be _forgiven_?

He groaned loudly, pressed his temples with the forefinger and thumb of his left hand. He took a heavy step forward and tried not to focus on his terrible headache. He checked his phone for any missed calls, he'd been sure there'd be a ton, but no one had tried to reach him. "Oh, no".

He started running, forcing himself to continue, even though he'd ran out of breath. The lack of training in the past weeks had caused him to tire more easily, even when performing the simplest of tasks, like running. His mind started racing as he thought of everything that could have gone wrong. " _Someone may have found the lair and hurt them. Maybe they just didn't realise Leo is... What if they left to find me? Why didn't they just call?..."_ Every possibility crossed his mind, from the most plausible to the most improbable ones. All but one:

 _What if he wasn't dead?_

He entered the lair, looking around for his family. He remained unmoving and concentrated. Yes, they were there. he could hear soft whispering coming from the lab. He let out a long held breath in relief. " _They're just in the lab. The lab... what are they doing in there?"_

He realised, then, something was off. There were whispers, soft sobs... and...

His eyes widened in shock, as he pinned down the cause of his uneasiness: the _beeping_. He could hear the beeping.

But that could only mean... If the heart monitor was active... And no one had called him yet...

Just then, his phone vibrated in his palm. He looked at the screen. It was Raph calling him. "What is going on? Is Leo..."

A loud, piercing noise startled him. His phone kept vibrating in his sweaty palm and his heart sank as he heard his family start sobbing, all at once, all so deafening, all too much to take.

He tried to swallow to drown the tears before they met his cheeks, but it was too late. He hadn't wanted to do this the hard way. He hadn't wanted to be there when it happened. He shouldn't be there. Why was he?

Minutes went by without him making a single step towards the lab or the exit. He just stood there, silent in the chaos around him, weak from the blows he himself had landed on his own heart. He thought he was on his knees, thought he was punching the floor and screaming. But he hadn't moved a bit.

He saw Mikey exit the lab, running to his room without even seeing him. Then came out Raph, silent, walking in a wavering way, his eyes wide open. He tried to hold on to something, but fell down. Donatello could hear him throw up, gag, crying all the while. A minute later, he stood up. He turned his head and found Donnie, looking fragile, like a child. Rage took over him.

In Raphael's eyes, he looked like a disgusting freak.

He let out an angry growl and launched at him, full speed. He knocked him down to the floor and started hitting him hard. On the face, at his sides, on his chest, while Donatello remained unmoving for the most part, only reflexively trying to dodge his brother's blows.

"You idiot! You fucker!... Why did you leave?! I 'll kill you! I'll kill you!"

When he'd threatened him before, Don didn't believe in it all that much. But now, with him being under the wheight and will of his savage looking brother, he felt his life coming to an end more than he ever had in the past.

By now, Raphael's hands were painted in crimson. Donatello's right eye was swollen and he had to keep it closed, while his left one was in much better shape, he was to drained to bother to keep open.

Just as Don was about to lose consciense, filling the smell of his brother's vomit piercing his nostrils, Raphael was lifted off him. With all the power left in him, he opened one eye halfway to see his father keeping Raphael restrained. He was saying something, he could hear his voice, but Raph's was like thunder, covering everything else and making you shiver.

For a moment he did not make out any words. It almost seemed like his brother wasn't the one talking, like all that came from a terrible creature, unknown to him, but real and horrible nontheless.

But slowly, words began to form out of this creature's incoherent yelling. They kept repeating a phrase over and over and over. Donatello wasn't sure what it meant, his mind being in pain greater than his limbs. As Splinter took Raph from the room, the voice began to sound more and more distant. Only before he closed his eyes and gave in to the fatigue, only then did the words make sense to him:

" _He wanted to see you_ ".

He felt his heart tighten before his eyes closed for good.

* * *

In his room, Michelangelo lay on his bed, hugging a pillow and mourning. He kept trying to say things, but his crying did not allow him to make it past a few syllables at a time. He could hear his brother scream and felt more afraid than ever, he recalled Leonardo's face when he died, looking at them and then passing, with his eyes still half open.

He closed his eyes to push that image away, but found he could not.

After he completely drained himself of any more tears, he could finally speak. Unlike his brother, his tone was low. He did not want anyone to know. Except for one person, maybe, but that person was dead.

" _I am so sorry_ ".

* * *

 **A/N I want to begin by saying sorry for getting your hopes high and then... Just so you know, this chapter was very emotional for me, I hope you felt the vibe. This is what I planned to do since the beginning and I feel that even if you didn't think Leo would die, when you read about the poison in the last chapter, you started preparing.**

 **Is something off, though? Hmm... Why is Mikey sorry?**

 **See you, guys, in the next chapter. Please review and let me know what you think.**


	11. Chapter 10

**A/N Sorry I haven't uploaded all this time, but I didn't have the time or the inspiration to write. I had fun with this, though! Please proceed reading with caution and feel free to bail if it gets too heavy for you.**

 **I'll understang if you hate me after this.**

* * *

 **Darkness.**

Donatello woke up.

As soon as he regained consciousness he felt a wave of immense pain spread all over his body. He winced and shut his eyes. His fingers curled and uncurled as he breathed in and out, sharply at first, a little steadier after a while. He started panicing. He opened his left eye, realising his right one was swollen and useless, and tried to figure out where he was. It was dark and he could hear nothing but the faint sound of footsteps somewhere outside the room he was laying in.

He concentrated on recalling what had caused him to faint. He remembered being attacked by Raph. " _So I must be at home_ ". He pushed himself harder to remember the rest. " _Raph... vomit... why did he throw up?_ _And how is Leo doi-_ "

He froze, realising he had been there at the end. Realising this was life after, that was what happened after death. Pain, intollerable pain, across his limps and in his head, pain strunggling his heart and punching his lungs, keeping him unforgivably sober and completely drunk at once, pain. Hot tears ran down his cheeks, making their way to his throat and then his nape. Neverending signs of his everlasting sorrow drowning him, but not enough to numb the pain of being alive, but not quite.

His jaw was trembling and he bit his tongue. He felt the need to be anywhere but there, somewhere as far away as he could get, not wanting to deal with the grieving, not wanting to be comforted and definitely not wanting to be there for the rest of his family. He could feel no bond, no relation at that moment, no need to be there for them and help them cope as best he could. He didn't care they felt the same way he did. He was on his own now, he knew from the moment he had heard that explosion, the moment he had made that decision, the minute he stepped into the lair who knows how long ago, he knew that that was it, he was alone.

Taking in a deep breath he tried to get up. His arms almost gave in and he thought his heart was beating a hundred times faster than normal, but he finally managed to sit on his bed. His head was heavy and his feet, it seemed, were somehow even weaker than his arms had been. There was no way he could make it out of there, not quickly enough to not be noticed.

He heard footsteps outside his bedroom door. He dried his cheeks with the backs of his palms and instantly regreted it. " _Now they'll think I didn't even cry..._ " He stayed there for a moment, considering the way his mind worked, how the first thing he felt was the need to prove he was grieving. Maybe he was right, though. After all, does the person who killed his own brother have the right to feel sorrow?

The question in his head went unanswered, as his train of thought was interrupted by his bedroom door creaking and opening. The light that came in blinded him instantly, but his father's figure stepped between them and Donatello could once again see in the darkness he had adjusted so well to. Splinter made his way to his son's bed slowly, looking down and holding a glass of water in his one hand and a first aid kit in his other. "I'm sorry I didn't come sooner, Donatello. I was a little busy helping your brother calm down". Donnie swallowed hard, looking straight ahead, but not really seeing much else besides the image of Raphael's eyes as he hit him over and over. "How long have you been awake?" Donatello didn't realise his father was talking to him. "It's been three hours... I hope the pain wasn't too much to-" he stopped abruptly, knowing in his heart that the true pain his son was suffering was that of loss.

He sat down next to him and passed him the glass of water, along with some painkillers. Donatello swallowed down the pills and drank the water, put the glass on the floor and looked up at his father. He couldn't make out his features exactly, not in that dim light and with only one eye open, but he could actually feel waves of sadness coming from his direction. For a moment, he imagined swimming in the same ocean with his family, all but Leo, and then the sky turning black and him not being able to find the others. He wasn't that shocked that he found comfort in that thought.

Splinter took him by the arm and pulled him closer. Donatello initially imagined he wanted to give him a hug, but was surprised to find he only wanted to put a bandage on the cut on his forearm. He was a little annoyed by this. He thought of his now deceased brother. He closed his eye with a sigh.

He turned to look at Splinter. He struggled for a moment, but the words finally made their way out of his mouth. "You blame me for this". Splinter stopped, but said nothing. It seemed like hours had passed before he finally replied that Donatello shouldn't blame himself. "I don't blame myself. You blame me".

Splinter got up and landed a cold look on his son. Donnie wanted to drop his gaze, but couldn't look away from his father's eyes. His mouth was gapping and he tried to swallow, but he choked on his saliva and started coughing. Splinter left the room with a resigned expression written on his face. From behind the door he almost whispered to Donatello. "You should go say goodbye to your brother".

* * *

About half an hour later Donatello mustered up the strenght to leave his room. The physical pain had subsided, but his heart was beating too fast and sweat was dripping down his forhead. He rubbed his hands together and slowly, as quietly as he could, made his way towards his laboratory.

He didn't want to do this. Didn't want to see a dead body. His brother's dead body. His victim's dead body. Not in his house. Not in his own lab. Not there and not anywhere.

His every step felt heavier than the last. As the distance between him and the entrance to the room became shorter and shorter, he started to make out the cot, with Leo's body on it. " _Couldn't they have bothered to at least close the door?_ " His brother's body was covered with a white blanket, which from a distance and looking at it with only one blurry eye, kind of looked like snow. It was almost beautiful, in a twisted way only Donatello's mind would find appealing.

He was thinking of all that, until there were no more steps left to take. There were only a few centimetres separating him from his brother. He realised he hadn't even thought of what he wanted to say to him. "I guess there's not much to say now, is there?" Still, he lingered there a little longer, knowing he wouldn't ever have that chance again. He thought of himself injecting the poison in his brother's body. Should he say he was sorry? What good would that be now.

But then, as he was about to give up, his mind wandered back to that rooftop. His vision was attacked by the image of Karai crying. The love of his brother's life had come to him and he'd promised himseld he would protect her.

That was what Leonardo would want to hear.

He took in a breath and let it out. "Brother..." With his voice trembling he went on. "I know you loved her. I know you wanted to protect her. It is my fault you can't be there for her anymore..." A tear run down his left cheek. "I will be there for her. I will protect her." He bit his lower lip. "I promise". His knees started shaking. "One last thing." His vision blurred. "Leo, I..." His heart sank. "... I love you, Leonardo".

He fell to his knees and started sobbing, tried to keep quiet, but hardly managed to. " _Now I can't ever leave... If I have to protect her, that means I can never leave this place behind... Not as long as she's here..._ "

He couldn't run away. Not from this. He had to keep his promise. He had to endure living in their home, dwelling in their common past, living in the nightmare that was their reality... Working in the very room his brother had been murdered.

" _One last time... I want to see you one last time... I need to remember your face..._ "

He reached out and grabbed the edge of the blanket. Pulled it. Uncovered the body.

* * *

Donatello closed the door to his room and fell on the floor, punching it, shedding his tears on it. Because he had just realised that his brother's lifeless, half open eyes looking lovingly at him would haunt him forever.

Hours later, he fell asleep in the embrace of the darkness in his room.


End file.
